I was in a public bathroom with my daughter the other day. She was asking a million questions, and I was answering them. This is my everyday life and I’m just used to saying the same thing over and over. A woman walked out of the stall and said “she’s a lucky little girl, you are so good with her.” I thanked her for the compliment and left. My daughter decided that she did not want to get back in the car, so I threatened to leave her with a stranger. After that, I told my husband about the woman in the bathroom and we laughed about the irony. We began listing all of the terrible things we do as parents, and here they are:
1. I threaten to leave my daughter in strange places on a daily basis. She hates riding in her car seat and she screams. She also does this thing with her body that I can only imagine imitates rigormortis where she just stiffens herself and I can’t move her. When rigor sets in, I threaten to leave her, usually with a scary looking stranger.
2. I let her eat cheese:
Just cheese, I don’t force her to eat anything else. If she just wants a bowl full of shredded cheese for dinner, I give it to her. I always offer other things, but usually she just eats cheese. Non parents are probably thinking “just don’t give her cheese” to them, I say, let her scream in your ear. She also is growing just fine.
3. I’ve fallen asleep on the job numerous times:
I swear I’m narcoleptic because I can fall asleep in an instant. There is something about Sunday afternoon, my daughter doesn’t take naps on Sundays but I really want one. I’ve knocked out more than once and woke up 15 minutes later to a disaster.
4. I let her sleep in my bed:
I swore I’d never do this. It’s just easier to pull her into my bed and let her go back to sleep at 3 am.
5. Cough syrup:
Judge me all you want but I have been known to give cough syrup when she won’t go to sleep at night. The doctor actually suggested benedryl but that hypes her up so I give cough syrup when she won’t sleep.
6. I’m competitive:
I want my child to be the smartest and cutest kid ever. Your kid can count to 10? I’m teaching mine to count to 11… in Spanish. I’m not exactly sure if I do it for her sake or to beat others.
7. I don’t make her share:
If she is happily playing with a toy and another kid comes and wants it, I’m not making her share it. FIND ANOTHER TOY KID. Seriously, adults don’t really have to share much. I don’t share my cell phone, laptop, or car… what’s the point of making her share something she is using? How crazy would you be if you were typing away on your laptop and I came over wanting to use it and someone made you share?
8. I’m a helicopter mom:
I don’t let her get hurt. I fight her battles for her, I make sure kids don’t take things from her, and I basically follow her around. I can’t stand the thought of her hurting, so much so that when she gets shots I treat her like a prisoner who’s about to be executed.
9. She’s my best friend:
I spend all day every day with her. When she is gone, I feel lost. People say that your kid isn’t supposed to be your friend… but I can’t help it, she’s really cool. I spend a lot of time thinking of fun things to do with her, I rarely say no, I take her for ice cream, and reward her for doing things she should be doing in the first place… on the upside, she isn’t a brat and she is well behaved in public setting.
10: I don’t correct her:
My daughter speaks really well, but there are certain words that she just gets wrong… it’s cute and hilarious, and I go with it because, well, it’s cute and hilarious. For example: curtains are “durtains” Mickey Mouse is Pickey Mouse, and our dog Marley is “Marney.”
In any case, I’m not the mom I thought I would be, but she isn’t the kid I thought I would have. She is a lot better than I thought she’d be, and at the end of the day, I love her and I’m doing the best I can.