I’d like to go ahead and apologize for the way this post seems to jump from one topic to another, I have a lot on my mind tonight, and I wanted to let it all out so that I can sleep. The past few years have been full of ups and downs for my family as a whole. The biggest hardship has been my Uncle’s cancer, which started about 6 years ago, when they found out he had a brain tumor. This week has been especially difficult, as he found out that another tumor has developed on his brain, the first one has grown, and that they wouldn’t do Chemo. The doctor told him to go home and do his best to enjoy the rest of his life. To this I say, “that shouldn’t be a problem” while rolling my eyes.
My uncle is 14 years older than I am, he has two daughters… both still in school, and a wife. When he was diagnosed with cancer, he was an electrician working on cranes, he was an awesome bow hunter, placing 6th in the world, and he had a group of friends that he had been friends with since he was young. Little by little, all of this has disappeared, first his company had to let him go since the tumor caused dizziness and he worked on cranes… in the air… it was too much of a risk. He no longer has the strength to bow hunt, aside from that his balance is off and the thought of him being alone in the woods is a little scary. Last, his friends sort of stopped coming by, I’m sure that they mean to visit, but he has changed, his personality is totally different, and day to day you’re never really sure how he will be. Not that I blame him, because it’s truly not his fault.
My role in the family has always been “person that keeps their shit together, keeps the morale up, and has childlike faith that everything is going to be ok.” I am struggling right now, because this time I am not sure that everything is going to work out the way we want it to. It’s a lot easier to keep it together when there are still options on the table, because even when plan b fails, we still have plans C D and E. But what happens when there aren’t anymore backup plans and all you can do is pray for a miracle? Don’t get me wrong, I truly believe that God can perform miracles, and that they work better than any sort of Chemotherapy, but he doesn’t always give you the answer you want. Sometimes he just says no, just no. Then what? I guess we have to accept that as his will for our lives, and believe that he will take care of healing our hearts.
The thing that breaks my heart more than anything else is the thought of my grandparents burying their only son, they don’t deserve this. My Grandma keeps telling me that it rains on the just and the unjust, but I still don’t think it’s fair. I don’t think any of it is fair, not for anyone, not for his wife, his kids, his sisters, or for him.
Last year on my birthday, he called to tell me how proud he was of me, this is something that I will always think of when I think of him. I remember when I was really young, he babysat me and all day long he kept asking if I was hungry, I kept saying no, when my Grandma got home she asked if I was hungry and I replied “yes, I’m starving, Uncle Chris didn’t feed me all day.” I will never forget the look on his face, half OMG I’m going to kill you and half shock. We laugh about that now. He makes fun of me, calling me the perfect one in the family, and saying that I’m the favorite… I probably am ;). He is one of 3 people who can shorten my name to Linds, without making me want to throat punch them (I mean my name isn’t that long!).
I am going to miss him, but before it’s too late, I am going to let him know exactly how much. Before he’s gone, I’m going to tell him how much his words to me on my birthday meant. I’m going to let him know that I (being the perfect one) will make sure everyone is ok. I’m going to take time to sit with him, and tell him it will all be ok. Finally, I’m probably going to lose my shit, but as my husband told me Sunday, I don’t always have to be fully composed.